In and out of hospital

I've been in and out of mental hospital. The anxiety blossomed into crippling suicidal depression. Crippling to the extent where I can't do anything because I'm so full of anxiety.

I really blame myself. If I was more patient, I would have discovered I have lyme disease sooner or later and gotten my health and body back.

I have hope that due to the compassion of Christ and a more advanced country, there may be an option to undo the surgeries. For now im fretting because all my money has gone towards trying to get better.

My buccal fat pads have grown back enough. Some of my ear cartridge has grown back. Some of the fat around my rib cage has grown back, however the rib lines are still there.

Im finding it harder and harder to do the smallest things. I don't want to live like this anymore. I just want to go back in time and undo those surgeries. I was wrong. No matter how desperate I was to look perfect, I should have never accepted surgery as an option.

I don't know what to do. I had 5 electro convulsive therapies. It didn't work. I really hope dr Corazon Collantes enjoyed her kangaroo meat.

I was completely wrong about plastic surgery.

For now I'm slowly declining into being crippled. I really can't bare to live like this. I really want to study, work and do cleaning around the house.

My life is destroyed because I believed in plastic surgery. I learned the hard way that it's bad. It's bad to cut into your body for the sake of vanity. There are plenty of non surgical options available.

Why can't I change my past and undo those choices?

What am I going to do now? Spend my life as a cripple? Commit suicide?

Why did I have to make a mistake that would imprison me like this.

Well Maya wanted to imprison me. She got what she wanted.

I will keep trying to heal myself with my rife machine, chanting the names of god, meditating and listening to subliminals.

I learned this lesson the hard way. I don't really have a choice. My subconscious wants me to look a certain way for its survival. If I don't look that way it hurts too much.

I wish I had control over it but I don't.

I will try my hardest to accept my appearance while trying to regenerate it.

How stupid of me.

If only I was more patient.

Dr Jose Corazon Collantes is a fraud and an evil money hungry person. She just wanted to finish up and make a quick buck.

Close to the end

The anxiety I felt from the horrifying surgery has been too much to bare. I have been left dealing with somataform disorder or 'somatic' disorder. I blame myself, it was my choice to believe in plastic surgery that ruined my life. It was one persons decision to do 'standard' procedures and ruin my body which led to severe panic attacks and severe pain manifesting in my body. I've been praying to god day and night to undo the plastic surgery operations I've had. I don't understand why Dr Corazon didn't listen to me and why she decided to do something completely different to what we agreed.  But I have a feeling it is because she wanted to train two trainees in standard procedures.

I'm left here to bare the pain and regret. And it's too much for me. I'm left taking pain killers and muscle relaxants. This is a lesson learned the hard way. I wish I fought my desire for plastic surgery.

This just goes to show folks, when the Devil arises, the weak go forth. And that's exactly what happened. The Devil whispered in her ear and she said yes. Because apparently training two students and making a little extra $$$ is that important.

The worst part is she really lied about her offences even though she did nothing in our agreement.

I take accountability for trusting a greedy person with my body.

Now I am going to succumb to death. Because I can't handle the anxiety of what has happened to my body.

People remember don't believe in plastic surgery.

It's not worth it when it ruins your life.